The Operation of an Automobile

I will assume for the sake of this post that most if not all of you out there are drivers or have been at some point in your life...If so, this post is for you.
For the better part of six years, I have owned and operated my own vehicle with no blemishes on my driving record, except for a wreck which occured while driving very carefully in heavy rain. It is beyond my comprehension how poorly 98.4 percent of the driving population operate their automobile. This task is not that difficult. The first rule of driving is one of the first rules we learn as a baby, "Don't run into things!" yet this rule is somehow forgotten or ignored. These people have no concern for others as they are driving, they are going where they are going and you'd better get out of the way. So for these reasons, I've created a list for these horrible drivers so when they search, "Operation of an Automobile," which they definitely should because they, for lack of a better word, suck at driving, they can reference these points and hopefully become better drivers, or realize they should stay off the road.

Charles Henry's Rules for Driving
1. Speed limits are not absolute. If you go 30 miles an hour in a 30 mile an hour zone, you will probably get run over. Go with the flow of traffic.
2. Red lights however, ARE absolute. Even if no one is coming through the intersection, stop....no, just STOP.
3. Green lights mean GO! G-G-G-Green....G-G-G-Goooo I don't many kindergarten failures that wouldn't be able to match these up. When you see a green light, it means, "Yes, you may take your foot off of the brake and depress the accelerator you MORON!"
4. When you are sitting at a red light and are planning on turning right, you can turn when there is no traffic. I know this may be advanced for some people, but it's true. I read it, IN A BOOK! This is one of Charles' biggest pet peeves.
5. If you're planning on making a turn, left or right, please use your blinker when there is other traffic around. These people would probably like to know which way you're going so they can go ahead and turn or NOT GET RUN INTO! This shouldn't be a guessing game.
6. Oh yeah, in relation to number 2, stop signs...correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't stop mean, "not moving?" YIELD signs mean to slow down, not STOP signs. Again, even if no one is coming, you should STOP at a STOP sign. (G-G-G remember?)
7. Look before you change lanes. Just because you drive a Jaguar doesn't mean that you're better than me. You can't just cut me off. Trust me, I'm a lot less concerned about wrecking my '92 Ford POS than you should be about your Jaguar. I'll gladly take a sore neck and a wrecked door to see you write me a check and get a blemish on your nice car.
8. And oh yeah, SIGNAL when you change lanes too ya jerks!
9. Don't stop your car in the middle of the road ANYWHERE unless it's an emergency. I WILL honk at you, and you do not want that to happen. A wise driving guru taught me the skill of following whoever made me honk my horn and honk the horn continuously up to and including one entire minute. It has made people cry, seriously.
(A note about number nine: yes, it made people cry, but did they make the same mistake again? Probably)
10. I do NOT want to hear your music. Oops, sorry, I said music, I meant Rap. It is amazing someone can function in their car with the noise turned up that loud. If it's shaking MY windows, it's definitely too loud. This loud music does not make you look cool. It just makes you look fuzzy because my car shakes every time the bass plays.
11. Soccer moms, find a new mode of transportation. Yall are obviously not bright enough to operate an SUV. Almost every curb in Homewood has skid marks from being run over by these massive gas guzzlers. Perhaps a minivan would work well for you? See www.uabchoirs.blogspot.com
12. Don't tailgate me please. It's really annoying, and I guarantee you I'm not going to speed up. A nice trick: while still depressing the accelerator, tap the brakes just to where your brake lights come on. This way it's not dangerous, but it will scare the CRAP out of the person behind you. They'll get the message, and a clean pair of boxers.
There are probably many more rules to written here, but this is a good starting point. Bottom line, just don't suck at driving. Cause if you do, you will hear my car horn in your dreams.
Shake n bake
charles